Ikholaji nguKatie WayNjengokuba ubomi boluntu buvulwa kwakhona (semi… ngokukhuselekileyo) kunye nengoma ye-siren yexesha eliqhelekileyo lehlobo lasehlotyeni ezindlebeni zethu, ndiyakubongoza ukuba ukhuphe intloko yakho ngefestile ekufutshane kwaye ungene kwisandi esinzulu somoya wentwasahlobo. Ngaba unuka ntoni? Injalo loo nto: Isiphithiphithi. Kwaye yintoni isiphuzo esifanelekileyo sokudibanisa i-quasi-safe, quasi-legal, deep hedonistic, Oh shit, kwenzeka ntoni kumazinyo am amnandi? Kutheni, incindi enamandla amakhulu urhulumente kuye kwafuneka ayivimbe: ifomula yentsusa uLoko uLoko.
Nkqu nebrand ziyithathile into ebekwa phantsi yingqondo yethu ngokudibeneyo: ngolwe-Lwesibini, uWhite Claw ubhengeze eyakhe umgca omtsha weepesenti ze-8 ze-ABV seltzers , kunye neenkonkxa ezinkulu (haha) ukutshatisa iipesenti ezi-3 ezonyukayo kumxholo wotywala. Kodwa makhe sinyaniseke: U-White Claw ngu-OG Four Loko yintoni i-CBD latte eyi-rip rip. I-OG Loko ayinakuvuswa yiyo nayiphi na inkampani yesiselo esisebenza ngaphakathi kwemida ye umthetho . Yiyo loo nto i-MediaMente indithumele ezantsi emngxunyeni womvundla kwimfuno yokufaka i-original ephezulu yefomula yentsusa uLoko uLoko.
Ukubeka elubala ngokupheleleyo, ndazalelwa kwisizukulwana esingalunganga: Ndifanele ukuba ndineminyaka engama-31 ngoku, kuba ukuba bendinjalo, ngendiye ndathabatha uxinzelelo olupheleleyo lwenkohliso yokuqala yaseLoko ngqo ebunzi. Ngelishwa, ndandikwibanga leshumi ngo-Novemba ka-2010, xa i-FDA yayinqabela iziselo ezinxilisayo. Ke, ngelixa Akukho mntu Ukufunda oku kuye kwaba ne-OG Four Loko kwisithuba esingaphezulu kweshumi leminyaka, inkumbulo yam ayibukhali — bendinokuba nexhala malunga nokuba ndingalifumana njani inqaku elilungileyo lePSAT okanye ibullshit enjeya xa bendisusa ivatala efudumeleyo yevumba iLoko Indawo yokupaka ekhuselekileyo. (Ukunyaniseka, ukuba i-OG Loko yayikhona xa ndigqibile ukufikisa, ndingangumntu owahluke kakhulu-umntu, ubuncinci, owafumana isisu sakhe simpompo ngekholeji.)
Ukuze ndiqonde ngcono ukuba yintoni kanye kanye endifanele ukuyizama, ndithethile nomhlobo wam UDave Infante , umbhali-omkhulu we Umdiliya kunye nengqondo ngasemva Iminwe Iphepha leendaba elithetha ngenkcubeko yokusela. Zinencasa yeziqhamo, igama elingenakucaciswa, kunye necaffeine eyaneleyo yokutshisa nezona ndawo zingcolileyo zepati i Isiselo samashumi amabini ananye 'abasebenzisi abanzima' ngeli xesha leentloko, u-Infante uxelele iVice. Kum, uLoko oLine yayilulwandiso lwezi zimvo zimbini, ubuqaqawuli, ubucingo obucocekileyo (khumbula ukuphambuka? Intetho yamantombazana? Nabani na?) Yesakcharine, ifom enxilayo kunye nokusebenza okungapheliyo kweekhemikhali.
Eyona nto ibalulekileyo, eyokuqala i-Loko yesine njengesiselo kunye nesenzeko yayimalunga nokufumana i-Amped kunye nokuhlala u-Amped. Into endiyikhumbulayo kakhulu malunga neLoko ezine, ngaphandle kokuba isela ngokukhawuleza kangakanani kwaye isongeza, yayikukuba ilunge kakuhle nendlela yam yokuphila ngo-2010, utshilo u-Infante. Andiyikhumbuli, ngendlela efanayo andikuphosi ukuba yi-dipshit eneminyaka engama-22 ngokubanzi, kodwa okwethutyana, uLoko abane watshisa ngokuqaqambileyo kwindawo yaseMelika yokusela esidlangalaleni kunye ne-apos; Ukudityaniswa kwesisu ngokudibeneyo. Okanye ubuncinci, kum.
Ngaphambi kokuba siqale, mandibe ndicace gca: le yayingeyiyo inzululwazi. Besingajonganga ukuphinda-phinda ukwenziwa kwaLoko uLoko kakhulu njenge-vibe kaLoko uLoko-incasa, imvakalelo kunye nemva. Sikwasebenza nakwezona zithako zihlelwe ngokulula njengokuthenga kwivenkile kwikhefu lam lesidlo sasemini, okuthetha ukuba akukho powders zintle okanye iikhemikhali zophando ezithe zadlala apha-ngolwazi oluphambili, bona oku iresiphi echanekileyo yemichiza ukusuka IGizmodo . Kwakhona, ukuba uya kuzama oku ekhaya kwaye ngokwenene Ndijonge ukuba rowdy, ndingacebisa ukuzisa utywala obucace ngakumbi emfanekisweni. Ekugqibeleni, nangona kunjalo, andiqinisekanga ukuba ngesazela esilungileyo ndingacebisa ukuzama oku ekhaya.
Ngamandla angama-22 anamandla njengendawo yokuhlala yam, ndazimisela ukungcolisa umzimba wam iintsuku ezininzi zomsebenzi zilandelelana-egameni lomxholo, ngokuqinisekileyo, kodwa okona kubaluleke kakhulu kwigama lesiphithiphithi.
I-Faux Loko # 1: I-Lime-A-rita Tallboy + I-5 yeYure yaMandla
Ndingene kwinombolo kaFaux Loko enamehlo aqaqambileyo kwaye ndiphumle kakuhle, ndinethemba lokuzithemba ngamava onke. Hayi, khange ndisebenzise i-5 yeYure yamandla ukusukela ngexesha lam njengomfundi wasekholejini ndinqwenela ukugqiba iveki yokufunda kwinqanaba leeyure ezimbini. Ewe, bendiphuhlise inzondo eyahlukileyo kwiLime-A-Ritas ukusukela kwimpelaveki kaSuku lePatrick. Kodwa ndicinga ukuba yeyiphi eyona nto imbi inokwenzeka?
Ngelishwa, i-hubris yam yandiluma e-esileni phantse yanciphisa enye. Amandla ama-5 eeyure (isitrasi, ngokungathi oko kungenza umahluko) anikezele 'iRita zombini zimnandi kwaye ziyancipha kunesiqhelo. Kwacaca ngokukhawuleza ukuba le yayinamandla kakhulu ukuba namava ngokuhlwa. Ndenze iimpazamo ezimbini ezimbi: Ukuqhekeka ndavula ingqokelela yam efihlakeleyo ekupheleni kosuku lomsebenzi (malunga ne-5: 37 emva kwemini) kwaye ndenza njalo emva kokutya ikofu enkulu yomkhenkce kwiiyure nje ezimbalwa ngaphambili.
Ngamanqaku am: Owu thixo wam !!! Andikwazi ukuxelela ukuba le yengqondo okanye i-placebo okanye nayiphi na into kodwa ngokuqinisekileyo [ndiba] nokuthuthumela okuncinci ezandleni zam. Ukuchwetheza kwam kukhula ngokungathandabuzekiyo, kuphiliswa ngala mvakalelo yokunyusa amandla endinokuchaza njengokugqogqa igama eliphambili. Kusembindini wenkonkxa, ndiye ndanexhala malunga nokubetha kwam. Kwakungo Mvulo.
Ndiphose umnxeba we-Zoom ongaphaya kwe-6: 30 emva kwemini, uFaux Loko ngesandla, wabulisa ngamashiya aphakanyisiweyo kwabanye abantu endandiye nabo. Kungenxa yomsebenzi, ndatsho. Ndisebenzela i-MediaMente, ndacacisa. Ngaphandle kwamathandabuzo, bakufumanise kupholile oko. Iiyure ezimbini kunye neengxoxo ezimbalwa ezidlamkileyo kamva, ndiye ndaya kwivenkile yokutya ndiyokukroba ezinye izithako ezingekhoyo kwisidlo sangokuhlwa — into ebendidla ngokutya ngesandla kunokuba ndiyenze. Yoyiswe yi-Faux Loko, i-soba noodles esandleni, ndiziphekele isidlo sangokuhlwa esibi kwaye ndibukele isiqephu se Oomama bokwenyani beBeverly Hills nomnye wabantu endihlala nabo abagulayo.
Ukufika kwam ebhedini kwakunzima. Ndandinganxilanga, kodwa ngokuqinisekileyo ndandifakwe iingcingo. Ekugqibeleni ndalala malunga no-12: 45 kusasa, ndavuka kathathu ubusuku bonke, ndangena ngosuku olulandelayo ndidiniwe. Ukuxhalaba kwam kwempumlo kwaqhubeka ngexesha lokulala, kwaye kwafuneka ndibeke isikipa entlokweni yam ukuze nditshone phantsi, njengaxa ubeka umnqwazi omncinci ku-hawk oqeqeshiweyo.
Ngokubanzi, amava ama-3 kwama-4 kaLoko, ngakumbi kubusuku bokusebenza.
I-Faux Loko # 2: I-Bang Energy + iSmirnoff Ice
Lo wamunca. Ngamanqaku am, ndandiyicaphukela le nto kwaye yandicaphukisa kuba ndicinga ukuba andidibani ne-Bang Energy okanye kukho nje into ngayo engahambelaniyo ne-DNA yam. Ndidibanise ibhotile enye engacacanga ye-Original Flavour Smirnoff Ice (Ndishiyeke ezintlanu ukuba kukho umntu ofuna enye!) Malunga nesiqingatha setoti ye Star Blast enencasa ye-Bang Energy, eyonyuswe yiyo nayiphi na into eyi-super creatine.
Isikhalazo sam esiyintloko yayikukuba i-Smirnoff Ice yeepesenti ezi-5 ze-ABV, kunye nomthamo wayo omncinci, ayonelanga ukundinxilisa nantoni na-akukho ndawo ikufutshane ne-12 ye-ABV eyenza i-OG Loko ikhetheke. Ngokuqinisekileyo khange kuncede ukuba bendisalele, ndingenankathazo, kwaye ndinovalo-ndingathanda ukubona ikofu ukuze ndiqiniseke ukuba le Faux Loko ayinakuhlutha umjikelo wam we-REM kubusuku besibini ngokulandelelana.
Ndiye ndalahla lendibaniselwano malunga nentsimbi yesi-5: 00 emva kwemini- siyayithanda ibev kwewotshi- kwaye phantse kwangoko, indenze ndanentloko ebuhlungu kwaye ndicaphuka kakhulu. Yayingcamla ngathi yiMprite kaMcDonald eyaphosa emlonyeni wam. Ndichithe lonke uhlobo lwangokuhlwa lwesicaphucaphu, kancinci ukuba mandundu ngakumbi kunesiqhelo, kodwa kungenjalo ngesiqhelo. Boo. Hiss.
Ezingalunganga 1 kwezine iiLokos. Ndiyathemba ngentliziyo yam yonke ukuba iSmirnoff Ice ayinakuphinda ingene kwinkqubo yam, kodwa andinakwenza zithembiso.
I-Faux Loko # 3: I-Red Bull + iVodka + i-Welch's iziqhamo zepunch soda
Embindini wolingo lwam, ndafumana idosi yam yokuqala yesitofu sokugonya i-COVID-19, nesisibusiso esiphindwe kabini: Inye, ndisendleleni yokuzikhusela kwintsholongwane evala umhlaba kunyaka ophelileyo notshintsho. Isibini, kuye kwafuneka ndiphumle kwiFaux Lokos.
NgoMgqibelo kusihlwa, xa naziphi na iimpawu zichithakele ngokupheleleyo, ndaqhubeka nomsebenzi wam. Le Faux Loko ibikhethekile kuba ndiyisebenzise ngaphambi kwesinye seziganeko zam zokuqala zoluntu zexesha lonyaka: isidlo sangokuhlwa somhlobo. Okokugqibela, indawo ekuphuma kuyo kolu vavanyo lwentlalo! Kuyinyani kumoya kaLoko, ndiye ndaziva ndisela esi siselo ngelixa ndikhawulezisa ndilungiselela umsitho esele ndifikile kuwo. Isiqhamo esincinci se-carbonated punch soda sasijika sonke isiselo, esasinee-shots ezintathu zevodka kunye ne-Red Bull Sugarfree, eqaqambileyo, ebomvu i-Kool-Aid. Umbala wongeza into edlalayo yengozi kuba ndandinxibe ijini emhlophe.
Le yayi, ukunyaniseka, intle kakhulu. IVodka Red Bull ayisiyo into endisela ngayo ngamaxesha amnandi, kodwa ubuncinci abanye abantu bazamile kwifom ngaphambili. Ekugqibeleni, ndongeze enye intshinga ngenjongo yokuzityhala. Esi siselo sasingaphantsi kakhulu kunabazali baso kuba ndicinga ukuba umntu angabusela.
Ndandinomdla wokufuna owesibini, kodwa iwotshi yokumakisha yandisindisa kum. Endaweni yoko, ndiphinde ndalungisa ii-braids zam zaseFrance kuloliwe ongaphantsi komhlaba ngelixa abafazi abambalwa bezenza ngathi abajonganga kum. Bavela ngcono nangakumbi kunakuqala xa ndandisekhaya, bejonge esipilini.
2.5 kwii-4 iiLokos. Azikho ngokwaneleyo iziphithiphithi. Bendiqala ukonwaba kancinci.
I-Faux Loko # 4: Uzipho oluMhlophe + ulungiselela kwangaphambili
Ngomnye uLwesibini, omnye uFaux Loko. Ngeli xesha, nangona kunjalo, bendisebenza kunye nezithintelo ngakumbi kunangaphambili, ngenxa yokuqeshwa kwamazinyo ngo-4: 30. Nge-2pm, ndadibanisa i-peach lemonade-flavored pre-workout powder, ndanikwa yona nge-non-at-all suspension baggy ngumhlali wethu uSwole Woman, kunye nemango White Claw ubude obushushu kwangoko, obunamandla beFlintstones vitamin vibes.
Ngokwenyani, ngokukhawuleza ayililo igama elililo-kuba xa bendiqala ukuphunga le Faux Loko, ndicinga kum ukuba kangakanani ukuzilolonga kwangaphambili khange I-White Claw flavour, ndenze into ebandayo: umgubo wawumile ngaphezulu kwetoti, kwaye kuye kwafuneka ndibambe icephe ukuze ndizixube.
Isiphumo sokunambitheka kwejeli uninzi lwendlela endikhumbula ngayo eyokuqala i-Loko ezine yangcamla: ngokungathi iziqhamo zenziwe ngentsimbi etyiwayo. Le Faux Loko iphinde yaphinda imvakalelo endandiyileqa ngeyona ndlela. Mhlawumbi yayiyinyani yokuba ndandi buzzed phakathi kwemini yokusebenza (ndiyabona ukuba kutheni wonke umntu esebenza e Indoda ephambene -era wayenjalo kwishishini lesidlo sasemini), kodwa olu manyano lwandishiya ndiziva ndonwabile kwaye ndityibilika ndaza ndangxola ngokwaneleyo ukuba ndinomdla wokucoca amazinyo. Ngokuqinisekileyo ndingazama kwakhona nge-White Claw Surge endithethe ngayo ngentla-ukuba ndiyahlawulwa ngokwenza njalo.
Ekugqibeleni, le Faux Loko indinike uhlobo lokuzithemba okungaboniyo ukuba isiselo esixubeneyo esixubeneyo kufuneka. Njengoko ndandihamba ndisiya e-ofisini yam wamazinyo, ndabona ivenkile ye-taco enee-margaritas zokuhamba kwaye ndanqwala ngentloko kum-ndiyayazi into endiza kuba yiyo emva kokuba ndishiye isitulo sikaGqirha uQuartey. Kodwa ukuba nabani na ufuna ubungqina obungaphezulu bokuba umnqweno weLoko yokuqala yaseLoko kukufuna ixesha elidlulayo, elidlulileyo, ngelixesha ndiphumayo ekuqeshweni kwam wamazinyo, intshukumisa yayidlulile. Ndabuyela nje kuloliwe, ndatyhafisa iqela lam ukuze ndibone ukuba ndingasonga nawaphi na amabali kuhambo lokuya, ndagoduka.
I-4 kwii-Lokos ezi-4.
Landela uKatie Way Twitter .